You know when you’re the designated mom friend in the group chat, and somehow it becomes your life’s role to carry the emotional, logistical, and physical weight of every hangout, crisis, and dinner plan?
Now imagine that, but instead of a group chat, it’s your in-laws, and instead of just snacks and tissues, you’re serving full meals for 15 people, raising three kids, and getting zero appreciation for any of it. Welcome to the life of today’s Original Poster (OP) where the only thing she’s getting handed is more responsibilities, not even a “thanks” on the side.
More info: Mumsnet
RELATED:Navigating the complexities of marriage is challenging enough but when there are third parties, it can leave a person feeling invisible in their own home
The author, a British woman and Muslim revert, married her Pakistani husband and works hard to adapt to his culture and family’s expectations
Over 10 years, she changed her lifestyle, appearance, and even personality to fit in, while managing the home and raising three children
Despite her efforts, she feels unappreciated and excluded by her in-laws, who barely acknowledge her unless they need something
Her husband frequently sides with his mother, dismisses her concerns, and expects her to tolerate disrespect without question
After the difficult birth of their third child, she was left to recover in a messy home while neither her mother-in-law or husband offered any help
When the OP married her Pakistani husband nearly eleven years ago, she dove headfirst into his culture not out of obligation, but love. Already a Muslim before meeting him, she adapted from mastering Pakistani cuisine to swapping her usual wardrobe for more traditional wear. Though she worked tirelessly as a mother of three and homemaker, she started noticing something troubling.
Her in-laws rarely greeted her, unless they needed something. Even small acts of acknowledgement, like asking how she’s doing, were missing. One particularly jarring day, her brother-in-law moved nearby, and out of the blue, she was told to cook for 15 people by her mother-in-law. She did as she was told, only to be left behind while everyone else went to help the newlyweds unpack.
Her husband casually invited her to join, but in that moment, her sister-in-law reminded him that the OP would have to look after the kids. In that moment, she began to see the pattern. She felt left out of family decisions and gatherings unless she was needed for childcare or food prep.
Her new sister-in-law from Pakistan also now seemed to be the favored one, even though the OP had been in the family for over a decade, consistently giving her all. She also began feeling the biggest betrayal wasn’t from the in-laws, but from her husband. Every time she raised concerns, he brushed them off, always siding with his mother.
The worst blow was during the traumatic birth of their third child, she hemorrhaged and needed urgent care. Her mother-in-law called her husband urging him to come to the hospital, but he never showed up, and insisted that it was the doctor’s job to deal with her. All of this has now left her exhausted, feeling unappreciated and questioning her place in the marriage.
To better understand the emotional toll of feeling used in a relationship, We reached out to relationship coach and marriage counselor Mildred Okonkwo, who described this experience as “like working a full-time job with zero pay and even less appreciation.”
She explained that “some of the most common signs include one partner always being the emotional fixer doing all the heavy lifting of listening, supporting, solving problems, caretaking,” while the other offers “nothing but excuses or selective affection and barely reciprocates or even notices.”
When asked how someone should respond to these feelings, Okonkwo advised, “if you find yourself wondering whether you’re truly loved or just filling a role, it’s time to pause and ask who’s really benefiting from all your effort.”
She also addressed the difficult situation when a spouse feels their partner consistently puts their parents’ needs before the marriage. “Feeling like your marriage is stuck in a three-way with your in-laws is not the easiest of things,” she started, “but it’s important to shift from silent resentment to real talk.”
Instead of launching into accusations, she recommended, “try sharing how their constant prioritizing of their parents makes you feel. The goal is not to spark a family feud, but to build boundaries that protect your relationship. Marriage is a team sport, not a loyalty contest.”
Finally, we asked Okonkwo how a lack of appreciation or acknowledgment from family members can deeply affect a person’s emotional well-being over time. “First off, everyone wants to be acknowledged. A lack of appreciation from loved ones doesn’t just bruise your feelings, it chips away at your identity.”
This ongoing neglect, she warned, “breeds resentment, emotional fatigue, and even depression. Again, we’re all wired to feel seen and valued, not treated like household furniture. Without even simple acknowledgment, the kindest acts start to feel like chores and when love feels one-sided, even loyalty starts to fade.”
Netizens were sympathetic and concerned for the OP, with many agreeing that she indeed is being taken advantage of and urging her to recognize her worth and consider making changes. They also questioned her independence and legal status, encouraging her to seek a support network and possibly plan for a life beyond her current situation.
What do you think about this situation? What advice would you give someone who feels like they’re being used in their own marriage? We would love to know your thoughts!
Feeling exhausted and used, the author began to question her worth, her role in the family, and netizens sympathized with her, insisting she deserves better
